UNCLE MIKE’S CORNER: The Pains Of Being Single And The Benefits

UNCLE MIKE’S CORNER: The Pains Of Being Single And The Benefits

Mike Ikem Umealo

This topic is one of those deeply sensitive types that is almost always exclusively reserved for analysis from the views of a woman. But as one who has long embraced "gender equality" and supported the fact that "she who wears the shoe, knows where it hurts," I am prepared to accept that even if my analysis come short of being objective, my intentions are purely harmless and not a personal attack on anyone or any gender or persons who "may want to think" that because I know a bit about them, therefore, it must be about them. If it happens, just know that it is not me writing but through the power of "spirituality" the human reality is revealed to the elect.... I don laugh tire, Anyway, before tackling this issue, l would like to reference a disclaimer that: THIS ARTICLE IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY! It is specifically for those people who are ready to think, to object fairly and those who have resolved to continue evolving into their own open minded ideals and desirous to educate themselves. That said, let us proceed. 

Being single is not a crime; it's not a sin; it's not a taboo. But I have heard people say, they would "rather be single than be in a relationship" with so and so person, and rightly so. It is the "so and so" persons that give relationships a bad name. Be that as it may, human beings are social beings who always want to associate with each other or attach themselves to things they value.

Perhaps, I should write on the good news first which is on the benefits of being single before introducing the not so good opposite view.

The truth is that when a woman is single for a long period of time (unless she planned to be single) she may begin to wonder if something is wrong with her. In spite of all the scientific advancements, all the feminists ideals, all the talks of gender stereotype, even in the 21st century, the identity of so many women, particularly the African woman is still wrapped up in marriage and family, to the extent this is right, the verdict is in the public arena.

For almost every woman I know, conscientious singles, divorced, accidental singles or young and widowed women, there is constant pressure from family and society to marry. However, women are increasingly beginning to realise that indeed, being single does have its advantages.

Increasingly, many women are electing to delay marriage, preferring instead to focus on career, friends and self-identity. While a married woman may not appreciate a girls’ night out because of children and other family responsibilities, if you are a single woman, you do not have those worries. Your time for self is almost like unlimited data usage. You can go anywhere you want, anytime you want and with whoever you choose. Of course, one may ask, what about sex? Yes, many people are in a relationship because of the sex, but that's not enough because, as impossible as it may seem, some women can actually put their libidos to sleep. However, to do this requires enormous effort and self-denial to put those demanding desires to sleep. But it's possible, if one can deny him or herself those things that will excite them towards the urge. On the other hand however, undeniably, there are those moments when one who is single may start to feel like a a “failure”. Regardless of how focused and how positive you stay most of the time, there will still be those moments when you are going to berate yourself and wonder "Am I alright?" It is simply a fact that, in our culture, being single is not the norm.

Today's woman would not let the scarcity or lack of a husband stop her from having a child or a house- a home. And this would have been unthinkable a few decades ago. And these new situations also affords the woman less housework and perhaps more time to achieve greater things. There is also scientific evidence that "Single women generally have fewer mental health issues than married women, especially those with children to worry about." Also, the single working woman does not have to take permission to spend her own salary, and doesn't need to worry about paying off debt incurred by her spouse. However, I don't know to the extent that this is true: statistics show that single people have better sex, though such intimacy is not as frequent as married people." I don't agree because, better sex includes the knowledge that your partner is safe and secure. Besides, hormone levels are higher in a "courting relationship" and many people I know would never choose variety over sexual safety standards.

On the other hand, not too long ago, a 35 years old divorced mother of one daughter wrote me: "swore to remain single for the rest of my life after my husband walked out on me and my daughter almost three years ago. But now, it makes me so sick to be single. Most of my married friends are still with their husbands and I am really happy for them, but sometimes I envy them. Maybe I want to have what they have too, despite the memories of all the troubles with my ex-husband, I still want to find love more than anything. I want to be with someone.  I have tried to do things and "enjoy" being single but I can't. I can't enjoy this state. I need hugs, kisses, someone to think about at night, someone to talk to, and someone to wake up to when I have nightmares. I need to be alive, for someone to want me, to find me and to desire me. Please how should I go about it?"

Interestingly, many women still have the view that marriage represents “success”, even with the statistics showing that about half of all marriages end in divorce. To these women, they have to be in a relationship, whether the man is good or not. As long as they are not single, they are happy, so they think!

In fairness, many single women, didn’t choose to be a single, "condition made their crayfish to bend." However, my view is that some of these women allowed such circumstances to dictate to them what to do instead of taking control those circumstances.

Indeed there are many downsides of being single, you may have to walk into your empty flat after a long day at work without anyone to say "welcome" "ma oburu na iweghi nkita" (unless you own a dog). It can be lonely being single. 

When you attend church or other social events and every one of your mates has a man "even a half man" that still loves them around, it’s not always a nice feeling being the odd one out- it can hit you hard. Sleeping alone at night is no fun really even as a guy who is constantly on the move.

But still, our happiness doesn't have to depend on other people; happiness is what you make it. And I am very proud of women who understand this; especially those of them who can get any kind of man they want but still choose to be alone and find excitement in their vocation or in other devotions; they could easily be using a man to get what they want but their morals doesn't include using people.

Finally, while many singles may be at pain with respect to so many aspects of social living, and while the truly independent lady may have more time and freedom, she also has no one to take care of her when she's down- unless she or he forms a union of singles because your married friend may not always be available to jump in for you. What about, Christmas, New Year, Easter? Yes, lives aren't measured only by being married and having children or keeping a family, but whenever you are the "odd one out in any setting" it is always hard to still feel normal.

Editor’s Note: The views and opinions of our guest columnists do not in any way reflect or represent the views, standpoint or editorials policy of Nigerian Hotline Newspaper.

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